apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
