i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
