the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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