I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
