i need an iv and a liver transplant
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
