God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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