It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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