wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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