C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize