there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
