Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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