I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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