why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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