i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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