I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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