I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
