I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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