i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize