And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
All I want is dick and wine.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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