guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
