dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
