I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
