Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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