but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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