hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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