i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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