btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
