I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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