He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
