I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
