thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
