He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize