i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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