Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
