You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
