Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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