I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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