He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Randomize
