:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
