I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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