I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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