We got so high we made milksteak
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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