Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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