I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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