she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
