Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize