Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
