Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
