you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
