am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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