WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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