so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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