everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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