grandma shit on top of the toilet
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
