i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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