this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
