she was so not down for the gang bang
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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