I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
