I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
