Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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