Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
