someone threw a dead crab at me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
