I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize