In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
