that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
