Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
