A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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