Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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