I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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