well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
that is very illegal...i love you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize