The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize